NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF...

I'm crying right now. I just stepped on the scales and I've lost 4.8 pounds this week. I'm looking at a number I haven't seen in probably 5 years.

And I'm scared.

In the past, smaller numbers on the scales came from dealing anorexia during a time when most of the world didn't know what it was, and most of the people in MY world didn't really care enough about me to see those smaller numers on the scales were slowly killing me.

And I'm scared.

My past has also included binging which brought those numbers on that scale higher than I ever thought possible. Most of the people in the world who might not ever deal with weight issues just presumed I was lazy. It even crept into my professional life when I was told by the parents of a potential new student that I was "too fat" to be allowed around their child. The people in MY world either didn't understand the emotional issues I struggled with or didn't care enough to help me overcome the negative self-talk I kept listening to and so the numbers on that scale kept climbing.

And I was still scared.

I finally decided on my own to care about ME, no matter whether anyone else around me does or not. I started Weight Watchers on 4/3/16 and today I see numbers on the scales I haven't seen in years. It's not the numbers that scare me anymore, but the fact I haven't really had any struggles following this program for almost two months now.

I'm wondering where all the negative self-talk is hiding and when those demons will rear their ugly heads again to sabotage my efforts? I was afraid I was going to have to stop this online program in July because I'm on a VERY limited income and just didn't know how I was going to be able to afford it. My sister, who is disabled and on a limited income as well, is planning giving me enough money next month to pay for 5 more months of the online program so I can continue this journey to a healthier me. I so grateful for my sister.

But I'm still scared.

I have NO ONE to talk to about what scares me and my feelings whrre food is concerned so I write this blog, reaching out to you, in the hopes of connecting with other like minds clawing their way back to a healthier version of themselves. 

It doesn't matter whether we have 20 pounds or 200 pounds to lose. The battle is the same and each personal victory will taste just as sweet!

I might be scared, but I hope when my fears feel overwhelming to me there will be someone out there who will have a friendly word or two of encouragement to help me remember that I'm worth fighting for...;~)

It Isn't All About The Numbers...

 

I'm going into week 7 on Weight Watchers and I've come to learn a few things about myself. I was on Weight Watchers when I was in my twenties and came to within ten pounds of my goal before I let someone convince me I wasn't worth the journey. This time around I'm staying true to my WW plan and have consistently seen the numbers on the scales slowly but surely get smaller.

But this past week everything changed a little.

I've been on vacation for the past few days and today was weigh in day. Up until this past week I've stay perfectly on plan and while the pounds lost have been slow, everything has gone in the right direction. But this vacation challenged me to be mindful of everything I put in my mouth. The Weight Watchers food plan is based on a point system and while away from my familiar setting I tracked everything as best as I could and even walked an extra 15 HOURS over my normal daily 30 minute minimum. I ate out twice over the past two days but made the best choices for me.

I got on the scales this morning really not knowing what numbers I would see. Knowing I had Chinese yesterday I was ready to see a weight gain so the .8 pound addition was neither surprising nor frustrating. As my best friend would say:

IT IS WHAT IT IS, SO MOVE ON!

If I were to allow myself to wallow in self pity because the scales reflected the wonderfully relaxing time I had these past few days, I would be turning my nose up to all the GOOD I've done since joining WW last month. 

This .8 pound gain could be water retention from two sodium filled meals in the past two days. It could be from swollen muscles...or even the beginning of new muscles...from all the mountain climbing I've done this past week. It could simply be I didn't track perfectly EVERY SINGLE BITE during my vacation. There could be dozen different reasons for that slight increase on the scales. But you know what?

IT DOESN'T MATTER!

It's in the past and today is a new day for me. As long as I work the WW plan, the plan will work for me. I'm not allowing my first gain since joining 4/3/16 to derail my momentum. I'm already planning my day and all I can say is...

I CAN DO THIS!!

Tools For My Journey...

Putting on extra pounds is sooooo easy to do. It's the taking off of them that is so blasted hard. Most of the time we don't even know when those unwanted pounds have crept into our lives until one day we look in the mirror and discover we can't recognize the face looking back at us. What happened to that slimmer, healthier version of ourselves we once knew? Where did we go??

Like the long, painful journey it took to get where I am today, I have begun my journey to go back to my beginning. Back to a place when I wasn't ashamed to look at myself in the mirror. Back to a healthier version of myself when I could walk into any store I wanted and select clothing from the rack instead of from some back pages of a super size catalog.

I'm clawing my way back to a healthier me and have armed myself for this fight with the following tools:

1. A TAPE MEASURE...I received a brand new tape measure with my Weight Watchers' welcome package. I know I should measure my body now before I get any further on this weight loss path but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet. I'm embracing the idea of the pounds I'm losing, but a small part of me is too ashamed to know just what those numbers are. Maybe some day...

 

2. POUNDS LOST VASE...another WW member posted something similar online and I loved this idea so much I had to make one for myself! I found these clear vases and colorful pom poms at my local dollar store and for only $4 I now have a cute visual on how many pounds I have lost so far and how many to go.

 

3. MOTIVATIONAL CHART...it took me over two years to reach my first level Black Belt at my martial arts school. I have decided to use the same dedication and determination in this weight loss journey as I have used to achieve my current rank of Fourth Degree Certified TaeKwonDo Instructor. To that end I created a "black belt" board for my weight loss goals. For every 10 pounds I lose, I will go up in rank until I achieve my black belt in weight loss as well!

I'm also creating some yummy recipes for myself but THAT is for another post...

Weight Watchers Here I Come!

When you are on a very tight budget there isn't a whole lot of wiggle room when it comes to joining a weight loss support group or program. Fortunately for me, at the beginning of April Weight Watchers ran an online special I felt I could afford.

For only $49 I have 3 months of access to their online program which includes, tips and tricks, menus, workout routines and videos, the online community, points calculator, 24/7 expert chat, and the entire WW smart point system. It also included a welcome package which included cool things like a drink mix bottle, measuring tape, food journal, recipe books, tote bag and more stuff totaling $75 in value!

I had been on WW years ago, right before I became pregnant with my son, and thought it was a good program then, but WOW, the new, improved program is GREAT! I've been on it for four weeks now and am happy to report that I have had absolutely no problem sticking to the plan and have lost almost 12 pounds so far!

I call my journey to a healthier me #turtlepower because I am no longer in such a rush to lose tons of weight all at once. Been there, done that...it's called anorexia...and I dealt with it for years before I came to my senses. Now I will stick to healthier eating, add in extra exercise when I am able, and watch those numbers on the scales drop one...by one...by one...