I'm crying right now. I just stepped on the scales and I've lost 4.8 pounds this week. I'm looking at a number I haven't seen in probably 5 years.
And I'm scared.
In the past, smaller numbers on the scales came from dealing anorexia during a time when most of the world didn't know what it was, and most of the people in MY world didn't really care enough about me to see those smaller numers on the scales were slowly killing me.
And I'm scared.
My past has also included binging which brought those numbers on that scale higher than I ever thought possible. Most of the people in the world who might not ever deal with weight issues just presumed I was lazy. It even crept into my professional life when I was told by the parents of a potential new student that I was "too fat" to be allowed around their child. The people in MY world either didn't understand the emotional issues I struggled with or didn't care enough to help me overcome the negative self-talk I kept listening to and so the numbers on that scale kept climbing.
And I was still scared.
I finally decided on my own to care about ME, no matter whether anyone else around me does or not. I started Weight Watchers on 4/3/16 and today I see numbers on the scales I haven't seen in years. It's not the numbers that scare me anymore, but the fact I haven't really had any struggles following this program for almost two months now.
I'm wondering where all the negative self-talk is hiding and when those demons will rear their ugly heads again to sabotage my efforts? I was afraid I was going to have to stop this online program in July because I'm on a VERY limited income and just didn't know how I was going to be able to afford it. My sister, who is disabled and on a limited income as well, is planning giving me enough money next month to pay for 5 more months of the online program so I can continue this journey to a healthier me. I so grateful for my sister.
But I'm still scared.
I have NO ONE to talk to about what scares me and my feelings whrre food is concerned so I write this blog, reaching out to you, in the hopes of connecting with other like minds clawing their way back to a healthier version of themselves.
It doesn't matter whether we have 20 pounds or 200 pounds to lose. The battle is the same and each personal victory will taste just as sweet!
I might be scared, but I hope when my fears feel overwhelming to me there will be someone out there who will have a friendly word or two of encouragement to help me remember that I'm worth fighting for...;~)